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Thursday, August 4, 2011

What was I thinking Again???

I have a 5-year-old cousin. She's loud, too playful, tiring and naughty. My grandmother insists that we pray for her. My mum thinks she needs a firmer hand. I just think she needs someone to play with her and expend her excessive energy. One day I was walking down a road in DC after having a discussion with my older sister about my little cousin and I was trying to think about what went through my cousin's head sometimes. And it hit me! I cannot remember my thought process from my younger days. I can remember many things from back then. Events, conversations and feelings but I can't remember thought processes. You know when you say ' I thought ...blah blah blah'. The blah blah blah does not include your thought processes, just the end product. The only person I know who includes thought processes in all their conversations is Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory and look how annoying he is (hilarious though).

What exactly is a thought process? It’s a series of formulaic calculations and conjectures that lead to a cohesive (or maybe not) idea that might lead to an action. It’s like an invisible flowchart in your head that leads to an idea or action. A great example is Sheldon’s friendship flowchart. I took this off blog http://www.nosewheelie.com/blogofthedarned/?p=52

I waded through some of my many memories from when I was little and tried to scrutinize it to see if my thought process then would suddenly become apparent. One story comes to mind. One holiday or my birthday (I'm not sure) my mother bought me a huge doll. To wrap it away from my prying eyes, she locked herself in our storeroom with our house help. I remember standing at the door, banging as hard as my little fists could and wailing 'Do you want me to die?' I was crying so hard, my mum had to leave her gift-wrapping to comfort me (although she was laughing at me at the same time).

I remember feeling abandoned and thinking my mum would leave me to starve. My question is how did I come to that conclusion? I was generally not a hysterical child (that would be my sister) so what went through my little brain? And it brought me to a shocking realization. I didn't just forget my thought processes from when I was 5; I've forgotten most of my thought processes. I only remember the most recent ones and I think it's a universal thing, exception being Sheldon.

So next time a faulty choice comes around to bite you, instead of trying to ponder on what you were thinking about when you made that decision and dwelling on a faded thought process, look to the future and try to be more thorough in your decision making. It's like walking down a path once and trying to navigate those turns 4 years later and wondering how you did it the last time. And next time you revisit an old memory and you start to think about questioning the other people involved in that memory, don't bother, they've forgotten. Their answer will probably be crap. *Shrug* just saying. I tried it recently and look where it landed me…irritated beyond words can explain.


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