I told Mayowa I am going to write a piece for his blog but the thing is I’ve been thinking about what to write and I’m not sure what, it doesn’t help that he’s such a good writer and everyone talks about how great his blog because that puts pressure on me. At first, I thought to write about something that people go through, something everyone would be able to relate to. Then I got stuck, ‘cos to be honest I don’t know what people go through, how they feel, what they think. I can only say what I feel and hope they understand me.
Today I feel the same as yesterday, that same feeling of wanting to be alone but not lonely. It's like I have a lot on my mind but at the same time nothing. I want to let this out you see but I don't want someone to tell me a similar story, to give me advice or tell me how I'm going to be okay. I just want someone to listen. I have come to learn that humans are incapable of such a task as 'just listening' so now I'm basically talking to a piece of paper.
I know there was a time my life was better. In fact, I would say it was perfect when I didn't have to think about what University I was going to, if I would get accepted, what my results would be like, boys, friends, and all that lot. It feels like my world is spinning out of control. And only I can stop it and this scares me. I'm terrified that I’ll mess up and I’ll have only me to blame. What if I don't do as well and no University accepts me? What if I put all my effort in my exams and still don't make it? What if I'm not good enough? What if he doesn't really like me? I'm mad at her but what if she never talks to me again? To be honest I know eventually I’ll be fine. I mean I would be devastated at first but I’ll move on. But these things still worry me.
This whole University thing is just having its way with me. Making me jump when I receive an email or thinking ‘When’s my turn gonna come?’ when someone says they’ve gotten an offer and forgetting to be totally happy for my friends. In fact, I think if University was a guy he’d be one of those ones that screw everyone over and still has girls all over him. It’s like standing at the road side waiting to be picked, thinking that every car that passes by is going to be your ride home (and no I’m not speaking from experience). We eventually leave the road side, some later than others but we all move on. And from what I know of God, he does not put us in situations that we cannot handle.